Scary Movies

Tonight like on many other nights before I watched a movie, a bad guy (aka killer) trying to kill the good guys (aka idiots) kind of movie and I watched as usual the idiots making the same old mistakes over and over again.

And as usual, I cheered the killer as he beautifully killed the idiots one by one 🙂 and became disappointed when one or more of the idiots managed to defeat the heroic killer in the end.

The reason for this could be that I’m crazy (a known fact) but I’d think it’s just the complete stupidity of the idiots. Come on Hollywood, would you really want us to believe every single person on the planet is that dumb when chased by a killer? What are we teaching our children? Why doesn’t Hollywood make movies where the idiots are smart enough for me to want them alive instead of dying in the most painfully way?

So for the children, I’m begging Hollywood to start making movies with smart idiots that at least know these simple survival rules.

Rules for preventing Shit:

  • Be careful how you treat people. Hate is the prime fuel for psychopath killers;
  • If you do some stupid thing like let us say, run over a pedestrian, CALL THE FUCKING COPS!! That’s what they’re there for you bloody idiot;
  • Have respect! Be it for the dead, animals, black arts, what ever. Not everything is a joke and if you think it is then you’ll probably have a very short life;
  • If you’re going into a possibly dangerous area KEEP YOUR SENSES SHARP, consuming large quantities of alcohol and drugs is definitely not the way to do it.

Rules for when shit happens:

  • ADMIT YOUR SINS, don’t wait until half your friends are dead to confess that the killer is after you because {write sin here};
  • Don’t split up, this has to be the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen in scary movies, just look at the animal kingdom, even the powerful lion is smart enough to know he’s stronger in a pride then alone, ALWAYS STAY IN A GROUP and never wander alone;
  • NEVER RUN AWAY! For fuck sake be a man/women and face your killer, it doesn’t pay to play his game and run away like a scared chicken. Show some guts and go down fighting;
  • If you manage to disable the killer, don’t even think about running; instead make sure he’s disabled for good. How? By shooting him/her/it in the head at least five times, cutting of the limbs and head, driving a steak through is heart (if you’re unable to do that try using a stake), grinding everything until it looks like hamburger meat and incinerate the remains till there’s nothing left. If he still comes back after that, you better know some powerful magic formula because he’s probably going to be pissed and you won’t have a snow ball’s chance in hell.

Following these simple rules anyone should be able to survive, so come on Hollywood, give us some smart idiots.

Learn more: A Horror Movie Survival Guide

this article as been revisited and updated in 2005-11-18

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.